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Caregiving affects many emotions within the family dynamic, especially when adult brothers and sisters are sharing the responsibilities of elder care. If old feelings or experiences of hurtfulness are left unresolved, unforeseen tension can arise when the caregiving responsibilities are shared in adulthood.

According to the Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA), through its National Center on Caregiving, while siblings can be helpful and supportive, they can also be a source of stress.

“Siblings go through a major emotional passage that stirs up feelings from childhood. Watching our parents age and die is one of the hardest things in life, and everyone in the family will handle it differently,” says the FCA. “So without realizing it, you may all be competing with each other as you did when you were kids. Now, however, the fights are over caregiving: who does or doesn’t do it; how much; and who is in charge.”

The FCA offers the following tips for winning support from siblings in the caregiving journey:

• Try to accept your siblings—and your parents—as they really are, not who you wish they were. Families are complicated and never perfect. There are no “shoulds” about how people feel.

• Do not over-simplify. It’s easy to assume that you are completely right and your siblings are all wrong—or lazy, irresponsible, uncaring, etc. Each person has a different relationship with your parent, and each person’s outlook is bound to be different.

• Ask yourself what you really want from your siblings. Before you can ask for what you want, you need to figure this out, and that’s not always as simple as it seems. First of all, ask yourself whether you really, deep-down, want help.

• Or—and this is a big one for many caregivers—do you really not want them to do anything but you’d like more emotional support. Many caregivers feel lonely, isolated and unappreciated.

• Watch how you ask for help—and steer clear of the cycle of guilt and anger. Avoid making your siblings feel guilty.

• Get help from a professional outside the family. People like family therapists, social workers, geriatric care managers, physicians or clergy can help siblings establish what is real about a parent’s health and needs in order to help distribute responsibilities more equitably.

• Steer clear of power struggles over your parent’s assignment of legal powers. Whether or not you have been given your parent’s legal powers over finances or health, you need to remember that it is your parent who has made these decisions.

• Don’t let inheritance disputes tear your family apart. If you feel wronged by the way your parents have divided their money and property, it’s natural to be upset, especially when you are grieving.

“The important thing is to be sure to get support for yourself so that you can find peace during your caregiving journey, and once it is completed,” summarizes the FCA, in its “Caregiving With Your Sibling” Fact Sheet (read more here).

The professionals at Great Care are available to talk with you and your family about all of your home care needs, including respite care. Great Care is a non medical in-home care agency providing quality and affordable elder care in Fishers, IN and the surrounding areas. Call (888) 240-9101 for more information.